- “Close the door and keep it locked.” The voice of my friend Becky yelled at me when I entered her room one friday night before going out. My opening scene is about a first hand experience i had about drinking in the pollock dorms, so I don’t want to go in too much detail on this blog and give it away
- “If anyone knocks, put everything in the freezer so no one finds it.”
- I am writing about drinking and underage drinking in the Pollock dorm rooms. I am out to find if a lot of students take part in this ongoing phenomena and if the sororities in pollock dorms, and what the police is doing and the consequences.
- Freshman have always drank in their rooms, especially pollock cause its very easy to transport alcohol because you are very close to downtown. This can be dangerous and risky, because an RA can easily call the cops and they can show up and you can get cited.
- I don’t want to give away data that I have obtained from the University Police department, but its related to the number of citations and arrests in residence halls related to alcohol. Shows how big of a problem this is.
- “I love him, he gets me four lokos every weekend and i just hide them in my purse, its a short walk.” This a quote from Becky, an 18 year old freshman who lives on the floor below me, and she is saying how easy it is to get alcohol and keep it in her room.
- Quote form an interview conducted with the University Police showing how they are handling the situation and to see how they can stop drinking and if they are doing all they can to prevent.
- Drinking is a major part of the culture here at Penn State, and especially here in the Pollock commons, because some students are of age to drink. It is very easy to obtain alcohol from upper class men and to hide in your room like under your bed or in the freezer, and after talking to my RA, they only take action if they are suspicious of something. Some students wont do it, because a hefty fine is involved and can lead to expulsion for numerous offenses, but that wont stop most kids and it just continues to get worse. It is hard to control drinking everywhere when WE ARE... the number three party school.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
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Pat:
ReplyDeleteBased on your nut graph that you turned it, it seems as though you've come to the conclusion that this does happen a lot. It seems like your greater concern is that, no matter how often people get busted, they keep partying and you want to know what the school is TRYING to do to curb it.
I think that, organizationally speaking, you might want to consider something that works more effectively for your nut graph. Something that flows more LOGICALLY. Something like this:
Your opening scene is good, but maybe you have something stronger: Maybe a story about someone who has been busted but still keeps drinking? I dunno.
In the background, be sure to show clear data about underage drinking and how Pollock compares to the rest. Don't give away the recent change to the rules just yet: i'd get to that at the end.
Supporting graph one: Put paragraph 6 here: Show us how easily students get their booze.
Supporting graph two: Give us Pollock Commons and how common it is.
Supporting graph three: Get into how often people get busted. Talk to the cops here and give us the number of citations.
Supporting graph four: Here is where you want to say "despite all the citations..." And give us anotehr example of students who keep drinking
Supporting graph five: Say what the school/cops are doing to try stop students. Tell us how this year, PSU made all the dorms dry -- despite age. And tell us what the cops are doing to try and curb stuff
Then start working toward your conclusion.
Good luck!